Just like at home

If someone told you they were visiting Milton Keynes, England, you’d likely have an image of a quaint English town with curving roads, cottages, and a pub on the main street.

Unfortunately Milton Keynes is closer to Westlake, Ohio. It’s a relatively new, planned community, with development starting in the 1960s. I was told it was built to help address the housing shortage in London.

Roads are laid out in a grid pattern, which makes it easier to find your way, but it doesn’t have the same character as the old towns. Along with those roads comes the sort of development we’re used to seeing in the U.S. Leaving the train station, I quickly spotted a Toys ‘R Us, McDonald’s, and KFC.

I was really trying not to pass judgment too quickly. I thought I would go out and walk around and find a place to eat and have a real English beer. I asked at the hotel desk, and the receptionist told me there was really no place where I could walk, except for the restaurant in the parking lot – a Bob Evans-looking sort of place.

I asked about walking to the town center. She looked at me like no one had ever considered that before. She said I could walk, but the roads were not very good for walking, being built for cars and all. I asked how far it was, and she said 1 or 2 kilometers.

Now even 2 km is really nothing to walk, so I set out on foot. She obviously had no concept of distance. After walking for 30 minutes, covering probably 3 km, I could not see the city center. The path I was walking on twisted and curved, following below the road level, making it impossible to have a sense of where I was.

I stopped a runner and asked. He pointed to a large illuminated ferris wheel in the distance. It didn’t appear to be too far off. But the size of the ferris wheel made it appear to be closer than it was. It took me another 30 minutes, more meandering on paths leading to nowhere, and a lot of cursing at the hotel receptionist before I got to the center.

When I arrived, I was greeted by the type of shopping mall you would see in … Westlake. A large external parking lot surrounding stores and fast foot joints like … KFC and Subway.

I found a restaurant that looked somewhat promising. I was looking forward to a pint of English Ale, and was disappointed to find out they offered only 3 types of bottled beer, none of them English.

I had brought a book with me, “Notes from a Small Island”, by Bill Bryson. I had read most of it but never finished the last 50 or so pages. I remembered he had written something about Milton Keynes. I leafed through the book and found it. Among other things he writes:

“ … clearly only a total idiot could possibly have thought that Milton Keynes would be a paradise for pedestrians. It was no wonder I hadn’t passed a single person on foot all morning.”

My dislike for this place was affirmed.

After a completely unsatisfying dinner that still cost 20 pounds (close to $40), I faced the 6 kilometer walk back to the hotel. It had started to rain and I had no umbrella or raincoat. I was at least motivated to do the “fast walking” thing and surely burned off every one of those unsatisfying calories I had consumed.